my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
