U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
