i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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