I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
