Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
People in love make me want to vomit
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
