you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
