I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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