new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
