you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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