Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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