Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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