She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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