Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
