And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
