I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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