Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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