On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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