My room smells like vodka and shame
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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