Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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