We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
