My hand turned me down
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
