don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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