You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
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Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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