who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
