Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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