When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
