I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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