Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
