apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
