He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I looked at my own cervix.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
