sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
