I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
