You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
