I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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