love makes seman taste better
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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