i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my being single is dangerous.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
