A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
