Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He better not be in your backpack
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
