I need help removing her.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
