Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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