Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sarcasm needs its own font
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
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this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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