I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
