You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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