he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
