I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
