Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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