the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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