I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
