what day is it and did you see me today?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
