I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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