Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
