she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
