just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
