I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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