We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
