How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Randomize
