So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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